Term or phrase | Translation |
See Bloggs et al. 2003 | One day we might read it too |
Bloggs et al. 2009 | We hoped you wouldn't mention that |
Global | Bits of the Northern Hemisphere studied |
Regional | The area covered by our map |
Ocean acidity | Ocean alkalinity |
Increasing acidity | Reducing alkalinity |
Low pH sea-water | Sea-water with hydrochloric acid added |
High pH sea-water | Sea-water with no hydrochloric acid added |
High morbidity | Little buggers don't like hydrochloric acid |
W/m² | Watts per square metre |
Watt | One joule per second |
Watts | That damn blogger |
Proxy | Tree rings, ice cores or sediments |
Tree rings | The "lonesome pine" |
Yamal | A few "lonesome pines" |
The Hockey Stick | Two graphs for the price of one |
"Nature trick" | A surreptitious grafting operation |
Statistical technique | Smooth the hell out of it |
Mediaeval Warm Period | We got rid of that (see Statistical technique) |
Little Ice Age | An urban myth (see Statistical technique) |
Sediment density plot | You mean it's that way up? |
Ice cores | Compressed ice layers with minute amounts of trapped air |
CO2 in ice cores | 0.03% of the minute amounts of trapped air |
Ice core proxy | A scientific myth |
97% of scientists | 97% of 77 scientists |
Almost all scientists | The ones we know who agree with us |
All scientists | The Hockey Team |
IPCC report | Vast report written by 97% of scientists and WWF |
WWF | World Wildlife Fund or World Wide Fund for Nature, depending on the size of the collecting tin |
WWF reports | Magazine articles and telephone interviews |
Consensus | The bane of true science and research |
Peer review | Pal review or a favour repaid |
Science reporter | Reject from the sports desk |
Natural variability | Our models don't work |
Uncertainty | We don't know why our models don't work |
Almost certain | There's a definite possibility |
Very likely | We believe it anyway |
Could | Probably won't |
May | Almost certainly won't |
Possible | Unlikely |
Might | Definitely won't |
Slightly lower trend | No trend |
Flattened off | Declined |
Downward spiral | Slow decline |
Obvious trend | Well I can see it |
Rapid increase | Slight upward trend |
Continued warming | Cooling |
Rapid warming | Some warming |
Projection | Best guess (see "Climate model" below) |
Best estimate | Guess |
Best guess | We don't know |
Guess | We're sure we don't know |
We don't know | Oh God our help in ages past |
Good understanding | As far as we know |
Low understanding | Zero understanding |
Poor understanding | We'll shake the dice |
Correlation | The plots are almost the same shape |
Good correlation | If you tilt your head to the right and squint |
Zero correlation | The "hockey stick" (q.v.) graph |
More research needed | Keep the funding coming in |
Detailed research | The new guy is very good |
Unprecedented | Take our word for it |
Caveat | Must mention global warming |
Rebutted | Didn't mention global warming |
Temperature dataset | Readings from airport runways and A/C vents |
Urban heat island | The temperature of asphalt and concrete |
Summer | Global warming |
Winter | Natural variability |
Snow | See it while you can |
Rain | A good thing |
Flood | Too much of a good thing |
Tornadoes | Never seen 'em before this year |
Weather | What we're getting today |
Climate | Last week in Austin, Texas |
Living memory | The last ten years |
Since records began | Since we first had the internet |
Climate model | A form of computerised astrology |
Regional climate model | A less accurate form of climate model |
Multiple models | One of them might be right |
Multiple model runs | We picked the results we wanted |
Model averages | A total nonsense |
Model verification | We'll get around to it someday |
Solar radiation | What the hell's the sun got to do with it? |
ENSO | We don't do ocean cycles |
Carbon cycle | The "missing sink" is there somewhere |
Arctic warming | It might be a bit less cold there |
Antarctic warming | A bit less cold at the tip of the peninsula |
Ice shelf collapse | Mind you, we never looked before.... |
Melting glaciers | The very few studied |
Tipping point | Be afraid...... |
Species extinction | Be very afraid....... |
Clouds | If you know how they work, please email us |
Ozone hole | A lower concentration of ozone |
Greenhouse effect | Why we all haven't frozen to death |
Greenhouse gases | All atmospheric gases except argon |
Carbon dioxide (CO2) | A harmless trace gas essential to plant life |
Carbon | Nasty black stuff |
Carbon tax | A misnomer, a scam |
Water vapour | Aaaah, but that's a feedback |
Climate sensitivity | A definite uncertainty |
Climate forcing | Application of the definite uncertainty |
Climate Change | Global Warming without warming and not global |
Global Warming | When that "missing heat" reappears... |
Climate science | The gravy train |
Denier | Sceptic, a seeker after truth |
Sceptic | What we should have been |
Settled Science | An oxymoron, an unproven hypothesis |
Forecasting is very difficult, especially when it involves the future. Yogi Berra
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Glossary of Global Warming and Climate Terms
A light-hearted but satirical translation of terms and phrases in scientific papers, internet articles and news reports. Don't take it too seriously but remember that satire is best when a thread of truth (however thin) runs through it. The list is not in alphabetical order because it follows a tenuous narrative. It's not complete - I just jotted things down as they occurred to me. If you have any comments or suggestions, feel free, you know what to do. I had a lot of fun compiling the list; I hope you have some reading it.
Labels:
satire
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